Understanding a Child’s Thoughts About Death
Children’s ideas about death change as they get older. Their age, emotional maturity, and life experiences all shape how they make sense of loss.
Young Children (Preschool Age)
Little ones often see death as something temporary. They might think the person who died will come back, like waking up from sleep or returning from a trip. This can lead to confusion or false hope. They simply don’t yet understand that death is permanent.
Middle Childhood (Around Ages 6–8)
At this stage, kids start to realize that death is final. They may ask lots of questions about how the body works and what happens when someone dies. While they’re beginning to grasp the facts, they may still struggle with the emotions. It’s important to answer their questions honestly, using simple words and avoiding phrases like “gone to sleep,” which can be misleading.
Adolescents (Teens)
Teenagers can think about death in deeper ways. They may wonder about the meaning of life, what happens after death, or how to cope with losing someone close. These thoughts can bring up fear, sadness, or anxiety. That’s why it’s so important to give them space to talk, ask questions, and share how they feel—without judgment.
Supporting Children Through Grief
Talking about death with children isn’t easy, but it’s important. The best approach is to:
- Speak honestly and clearly
- Match your words to their age and understanding
- Let them ask questions and share feelings
- Reassure them that it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry
When family members respond with empathy and patience, children feel safer exploring their emotions. These conversations help them build resilience and find comfort during difficult times.
Creating a Safe Space for Conversation
When discussing the sensitive topic of death with children, it is crucial to create a comfortable atmosphere that encourages open dialogue. A safe space allows children to express their feelings, ask questions, and explore their understanding of mortality without fear of judgment or discomfort. To initiate this challenging conversation, select an appropriate time and place. Choosing a familiar environment can help children feel more at ease.
We must be mindful of the child’s emotional state. Observing their behavior and responses can provide insights into how much they are ready to discuss.
Encouraging children to share their thoughts can be facilitated by asking open-ended questions. For example, instead of asking, “Are you sad about Grandma?” you can ask, “What do you think about what happened to Grandma?” These questions promote deeper engagement and allow the child to articulate their feelings and thoughts. It is essential to listen actively and validate their emotions, ensuring they feel heard and respected.
Finally, reassuring children that it is perfectly normal to feel a range of emotions when discussing death. Providing continuous support and reinforcing that these conversations can happen whenever the child feels ready.
Using Age-Appropriate Language and Concepts
Big ideas about death can be hard for children to understand, so it’s important to keep things simple and clear. Using phrases like “passed away” or “eternal rest” might sound softer to adults, but they can confuse young children and lead to misunderstandings. Instead, using direct words like “died” helps children begin to grasp what loss really means.
I learned this the hard way. When my husband died, I told my two-year-old that he had gone to heaven—but I didn’t explain that he wouldn’t be coming back. As a result for weeks, every time the doorbell rang, she ran to the door thinking it was her dad returning home from heaven. It broke my heart.
That moment taught me how deeply children take our words to heart. Being honest doesn’t mean being harsh—it means giving them the clarity they need to feel safe and supported as they begin to make sense of grief.
In addition to verbal communication, utilizing stories and books can serve as a productive way to introduce the topic of death. Children’s literature often addresses themes of loss, grief, and the cycle of life in a gentle manner. These resources can spark discussions, allowing caregivers to gauge the child’s feelings and thoughts while also providing relatable scenarios. For younger children, picture books with simple narratives are particularly effective, while older children may benefit from more nuanced stories that explore the emotional aspects of death.
Storytelling can open avenues for children to express their questions and emotions without feeling overwhelmed. Crafting a narrative or utilizing familiar characters can help normalize the conversation. Ultimately, being clear and honest, while also being sensitive to the child’s emotional state, can encourage a healthy dialogue about death, fostering a supportive environment for understanding and coping with loss.
Helping Children Cope with Grief and Loss
When someone close dies, children often feel a wave of emotions. These feelings are all normal, and it’s important for families to let children know that whatever they’re feeling is okay. Just being heard and understood can make a big difference in how a child begins to heal.
Talking openly about grief helps children put their feelings into words. But sometimes, words aren’t enough. Creative activities like drawing, writing, or playing can give children a safe way to express what’s in their hearts. They might draw pictures of the person they miss, write a letter to them, or fill a memory box with special items. These small acts can help children feel connected and supported as they process their loss.
Some children may need extra help. A grief counselor or therapist can offer tools and support tailored to each child’s needs. And even with strong support systems, grief takes time. Regular check-ins—simple moments of connection—can help children feel safe and remind them they’re not alone.
That’s why I wrote My Father Is a Tree. Talking to my children about their father’s death was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. There’s no perfect script—just a lot of love, patience, and honesty. Children ask questions that don’t always have easy answers. And sometimes, we don’t know what to say.
But being honest—even when it’s hard—can build trust. It’s okay to say “I don’t know,” and it’s important not to make promises we can’t keep. These conversations take time. You may need to revisit them again and again, each time offering a little more clarity, a little more comfort.
My Father Is a Tree was created to help families begin those conversations. It’s a gentle story that speaks to children in a way they can understand—through nature, imagination, and love that doesn’t end. The book doesn’t shy away from hard feelings—it honors them. And it invites children to imagine connection in new ways, even after someone is gone.
Whether read together at bedtime or used as a starting point for conversation, My Father Is a Tree is more than a story—it’s a companion for families navigating grief with honesty, warmth, and hope. It is loosely based on my experience and I hope it helps someone navigate this hard conversation.
Please click the link below to preorder!
Leave a Reply